Week 2, Day 1: SIMON ADEBISI

Simon Adebisi.  The scariest mother of all time.  In the words of Verbal Kint/Keyser Soze: "You don't need guns or money or even numbers.  You just need the will to do what the other guy won't", or something like that.  I didn't really feel like rewatching the whole movie for a quote.  Anyway, Adebisi had will in spades.  He didn't fight with his fists.  No, he anally raped, fed crushed glass, shanked and disfigured with boiling water in his climb to the top.  He was one of two men in OZ (the other being the equally badass, but much less intimidating, Ryan O'Reily) able to survive for extended periods without backup.  He managed to be a major player with nearly zero followers or weapons.  He was sent to OZ for beheading a cop with a machete (see above image).  He also has the craziest crazy eyes ever.  If I want to beat Chuck, I'm gonna need to be scary.  Way scary.

Week 1, Day 7: DOLPH LUNDGREN

Is there anything more badass than collecting body parts from your slain enemies while going bat-shit crazy in a grocery store?  Answer: No.  Granted, this was not actually Dolph, but Sgt. Andrew Scott in Universal Soldier.  But look in those eyes.  That is the look of a man who KNOWS what it is to have an ear necklace.  Yes, he is one of the greatest thespians of our time, but some things you just can't fake.  As an avid collector of other people's teeth, I can appreciate this.  If I want to take down Chuck, I need an ear necklace.

Now, by the time I finished this masterpiece, the grocery store was closed.  So, I went with the next best thing:  my open refrigerator.  But fear not, this is officially my new errand ensemble.

 And with that, Dolph Lundgren week comes to a close.  I feel like I've learned a lot and am well on my way to defeating Chuck Norris.  Next week (tomorrow) I'll be back with a brand new badass to emulate.

Week 1, Day 5: DOLPH LUNDGREN

I wasn't going to have a day 5 (part II of day 4, really), but after much wine (Merry Christmas everyone!) I am able to say (during a conversation with my 12 year old), "I rape your cat" in a Russian accent as well.  And to my ex, I was able to say "Nyet.  Because you are bitch".  I can't stop.  "I kill you.  I cut your throat. I rape skull."  Don't tell me you're not happy to learn this too.  And look at this picture!  You're fucking WELCOME!!!

Week 1, Day 4: DOLPH LUNDGREN

So, what else makes Dolph so badass?  How about the fact that he has the most convincing Russian accent ever.  Most people are shocked to learn that he is not actually Russian.  And let's face it, Commies are some scary mothers.  I'd take my chances against a pansy goose-stepping nazi before I'd tangle with a raised-on-vodka, doing-it-for-the-team pinko soldier.  In any fight, psychological warfare is often more effective than roundhouse kicks to the teeth.  In honor of Dolph's impressive faux Russian tongue, I've spent the better part of two days learning to say the following, Russian-style: "I must break you", "If he dies, he dies", "spetsnaz", "Da svedanya, Amerikanskii", and "Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti".  And I sound so Russian, you'd swear I was the illegitimate child (or great-great-great-grandchild, whatever) of Rasputin.  Or maybe it's my crazy eyes, I don't know.  Either way, it's badass, which makes it a success.  I spent a few minutes trying to figure out how to add voice clips of myself sounding so badass, but I don't understand your fancy American technology.  So, if you want to hear me for yourself, come to the Brig in Fresno any Saturday night.  We can bare-knuckle box in the parking lot.

Week 1, Day 2: DOLPH LUNDGREN

First step in becoming more Dolph-like: gorgeous Swedish white-blonde hair.  I'm not gonna lie.  I actually bleached my hair a few days ago in order to fulfill a lifelong dream to look like the singer from Roxette.  But, Marie Fredriksson is also a badass Swede, so I say it counts.  Wanna argue the point?  Just 'cause I can't take down Chuck yet doesn't mean I can't take down YOU!

As you can see, I've also scored myself a leading lady who is literally heaving her breasts into my face.  Now that's straight-up Dolph.  I've also scored myself some badass aviator glasses (not pictured, obviously).  Phase II is going to take a little longer to accomplish.  Stay tuned...

Week 1, Day 1: DOLPH LUNDGREN

Dolph Lundgren.  Period.  He's 6 feet 5 inches of pure ass-kicking muscle who is a 3rd degree black-belt.  He has been a heavyweight karate champion in Europe and Australia.  Dolph has the higher body count with 632 kills as of the release of "The Expendables", compared to under 400 for Mr. Norris.  You could argue that the per film numbers are higher for Chuckie, but I would only counter that with the fact that Dolph's astounding 43 films (including one TV movie) point to his superior badassery.  The man can't be stopped.  He directed 6 of those and wrote the screenplays for 4.  He's also smokin' hot AND a genius.  Certified.  He holds a Master's degree in Chemical Engineering and was awarded a Fulbright scholarship to MIT.  He is fluent in Swedish, English and German and speaks some Spanish and a little Japanese.  He currently lives with his family in Spain.  One late night, while he was not at home, burglars broke into his house and tied up his wife in order to ransack the place.  When they saw a photo of Dolph and realized it was his house they were in, they untied his wife, apologized and left.  Dolph wasn't even home, but the thought of being hunted down by him scared the thieves so bad they bolted in terror.  It sounds like a Chuck Norris joke, but it's a Dolph Lundgren fact.

Why Chuck?

Chuck Norris gets too much credit.  I don't know when this started, but I think it has something to do with hipsters.  Hipsters love anyone with a beard.  I don't love hipsters...and I don't love Chuck Norris.  Don't get me wrong, I respect him.  He's made some great movies, with exceptional choreographed fight scenes.  He's also a ginger, which endears him to me somewhat.  I just don't think he's the badass everyone makes him out to be.  In fact, I would say there are many fights he could not win.  I, obviously, am not one of them.  But, my plan is to identify all of the people and things that could take down Chuck and learn from them so that someday I too will be able to fight Chuck Norris...and WIN!
(disclaimer-author is, in fact, completely off her nut)